People Pleasing and Meeting Self
Often when we hear the popular expression “people pleasing” we have a negative association attached to it. What is people-pleasing? Is it a behavior? A way of being in the world? Does it feel comforting? Does it keep me comfortable in the moment but fill me with confusion and even resentment later? Is it authentic? Inauthentic?
People pleasing might be understood as wanting to meet another party’s needs and prioritizing over the self or own needs. People pleasing is neither bad or good—if you can observe it—it is a gift to you.
The gift comes with reflecting on how/if this way of relating to others is showing up in your life. In therapy, we do not aim to judge this relational response but observe it and learn to lean into and prioritize the feeling experience before the reacting experience. People-pleasing is designed to minimize and block the emotional experience because chances are when this behavior developed at a very young age, you were met with emotional threats/danger if you expressed emotion.
Not only can the parental and caregiver dynamics in young life activate the people pleasing response but also the institutions that likely surrounded you with hierarchical reward/punishment systems. If you are LGBTQ+ identified, you may have needed a shield to protect you from unsafe environments. That shield sometimes can show upas people-pleasing and hiding the authentic self. Perhaps the authentic self was not discovered inside and you were left with not knowing what you thought or felt at the time. The oppressive environment used its power, and you didn’t have a chance.
The good news is that you have the power to explore this question and what you are doing/feeling/thinking TODAY in your relationships. Are you finding you say “yes” when you want to say “no” or maybe you actually don’t know what you want in the moment? If so, therapy can be a helpful guide to explore yourself and make that space to understand that inner child who’s saying “no” was met with punishment, ridicule, or blame (or the threat of) in your family relationship and/or institutional relationships (i.e. school, work, benefit/resource systems).
People-pleasing can show up for allies of LGBTQIA family members or anyone who has been bullied/scapegoated/harmed. If you saw a sibling or parent enduring emotional/physical harm, chances are you had to turn off and mute your emotional experience and prioritize that of the one inflicting harm or the one who was wounded.
Currently based in Brooklyn and having worked in Manhattan serving hundreds of clients in NYC, I have experience supporting primarily the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Queer, Questioning, Transgender/Non-binary/Non-confirming, two-spirit, Intersex, Asexual, pansexual, and allies (LGBTQQIPSAA) community.
Growing up “othered” in heteronormative/homophobic and cisnormative/transphobic environment can create an urgent or slow crisis that causes us to find ways to survive. This often can show up as focusing on someone else and diverting attention away from self. If you live in or have access to New York City, there are numerous resources for you in addition to therapy to help you grow and find the affirming and friendly community for you. Healthy relationships help us see ourselves better.
Knowing we are not alone and understanding the oppressive external factors that have harmed us is necessary for reducing shame and increasing self-worth. Learning to pause, find a safe place within self, identify our need, and voice that need to others is a powerful way of practicing self-love and finding that in retrospect people-pleasing helped us survive, we no longer need it because we are thriving.
